Four Weeks

Here we are again, at 7.23pm on a Tuesday, celebrating exactly four weeks of Tilly.

In fact, Tilly was so excited by the idea of being four weeks old, she decided not to take a single decent nap today. We finally got her to close her eyes about 6pm, and I'd promised Justin that I would not go in and wake her up with a flash by taking her photo at 7.23pm, but then little Tilly woke up on her own, just in time! I can see that she'll fit in perfectly with our photo-obsessed family!

And, for the first time, I didn't spend the whole day watching the clock and reminding myself of what I was doing at each point in time four weeks ago. It's finally okay to let the experience of labour move into the past now, I think, and focus on today's minutes of little toes in little socks.

A Camera Family

Today was Tilly's first proper bath in her bathtub, not just a wipe down with a wash cloth. And, much to my surprise, she loved it straight away. Perhaps it was the lovely warm water, or the little hammock that fits into the tub, or the fact that she was the centre of two people's attention... she just lay back and enjoyed looking out of the window.

And what I realised today, as I scrambled to find my camera, is that photos have come to be the biggest symbol of family for me. As the little battery symbol flashed "low" and I hurriedly dried my hands enough to use the camera, my heart was literally racing... what if I couldn't capture this moment on film? What if I couldn't send it to my family and share the joy of the moment with them? What if , when Tilly turns twenty-five and asks to see photos of her first bath, I have nothing to show her? Luckily, the battery held out just long enough, but it got me thinking about cameras and what they mean to me.

Ever since we started our 365 photo-a-day project back in February, I've felt so much more connected to my family. We remember to share things... the big things (goodness only knows how many people were waiting for the first photo of Tilly!), but also the little every day things: my Mum walking the dog, my Dad en route on a business trip, my brother making lasagne, my aunt's new table cloth. And I'm so grateful for that. You'd think that a family spread so widely around the globe --England, Texas, China-- would undoubtedly lose touch a little. But I really feel that the distance has inspired us to find ways to be connected, in a way that we probably wouldn't have been if we'd lived closer.

You should have seen us when my parents and sister were here visiting a few weeks ago... there must have been ten different cameras lying around between the phones, the digitals, and Alice's Polaroid and antique film camera! And on the last day, as they were leaving, the car suddenly stopped, and all three Duffies jumped out, cameras in their hands, and each of them took several photos of Justin, Tilly and me in the doorway...

... and it made us feel loved. And if I hadn't had a Tilly to hold, I'd have been taking a photo of them driving off!

We take photos of times and people and places we want to remember, and I want Tilly to be able to look back all the way to her first day of life and say, "People love me. People have always loved me. People have wanted to remember how I look every day of my life."

So, I'll be stocking up on batteries, and making sure there's a camera on hand for every moment.

Hitting the Bottle

We're switching things up here at the Slagle house.

Justin is doing the feeding...

And Herr Nielson, my little stuffed monkey, is doing the babysitting...

... which leaves me free to write on here!

In recent news:

• I've vowed to make every new Mum I know, from now until forever, a hot meal. We've had such delicious food from our wonderful friends, including pork chops and sauerkraut, homemade sloppy joes and brownies, cheese and mushroom paninis with tomato and basil soup, not to mention all the lovely food my Mum made us while she was here. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'd almost volunteer to go through labour again, just for the food donations!
• I've found that nothing makes me feel like myself like rearranging... so for the last two days, I've been dragging bookcases around, putting out picture frames, and generally doing a bit more nesting!
• Every glass of water I drink tastes like milk. Seriously. It's weird. I've been drinking orange juice just to have a break from milkyness.
• My Mum and I have updated our 7142 project. Instead of a photo-a-day at the same time (which was difficult to do on top of a 365 photo-a-day project!), we've decided to share something that's inspiring us every day. We both love being creative, and hope to gather quite a stock of ideas over the year!

Welcome, Matilda!

And just when we were starting to think it would never happen...

...Matilda arrived in this world.

Labour started on Tuesday morning, when I woke up with very noticable contractions. At 3.15am, I started counting them, and by 4.15am, I woke Justin up and told him that this was it. We laboured at home, doing all of our relaxation exercises, watching half an episode of Friends, and taking a lovely hot shower, until I started to tell Justin that I didn't think I could do it anymore, (our "self-doubt" phase, for any other Bradley Method lovers!) and we headed to the hospital about 11am.

I was admitted at 8cm dilated, and by about 2.50pm, I was all the way dilated, at +1 station, and ready to push. So, we pushed. And pushed and pushed and pushed. We pushed forwards, backwards, kneeling, lying... every which way you can imagine.

I pushed for two and a half hours, and then the doctor checked how far Matilda had come. She was at +2 station... in other words, not very far at all. My contractions were dying down... becoming less frequent and less strong. It seemed like our plan for a natural birth was slipping away as the doctor said we needed to try some Pitocin, and an epidural, or else a C-section would be likely. It seemed like such a waste... we'd come so far without pain killers or drugs. Justin was a wonderful advocate, and argued for as little intervention as possible... which I definitely couldn't have done by myself at that point!

We finally agreed to take the lowest dose of Pitocin, but no epidural, and within about 10 minutes, I was having the most intense and painful contractions. I screamed through two of them that I simply couldn't do it, but then on the third, I pulled myself together enough to push. It was difficult, and long, but I was so lucky to have Justin there with me... he counted through each push, and encouraged me, and held my leg for hours and hours!

Tilly arrived at 7.23pm, after 17 hours of labour, and 4 and a half hours of pushing. It turned out she was facing upwards, which was why it had been such hard going, and a very big baby at 9.1 lbs and 21 inches long! When she arrived, the doctor put her straight on my chest, just as I'd asked, and immediately everything else was forgotten... it was just an amazing moment to meet her. We were so incredibly happy! And just like everybody says, it doesn't matter how it happens as long as your baby is healthy, but I was so grateful that I was given the strength to get through it without an epidural and have such wonderful, alert first moments with my little girl.

She's so peaceful and calm, and just loves to be swaddled and cuddled. And right below, Matilda is wearing a little gown that my Mum made for me to wear as a newborn! Tilly came home in it on Thursday, just in time to welcome my family who've flown in to be with us, and Justin's family who drove up from San Antonio.

We are so enjoying welcoming her into the world, and teaching her to eat and sleep. Justin is just a wonderful father, and Tilly loves it when he holds her and kisses her head! They're asleep on the sofa together now... it's so sweet!

And this next one is today: Matilda Alice with my dear little sister, Alice, from whom she gets her middle name.

Thank you all so much for the messages and notes and words of love! It means so much to us that you're thinking of us, and we're so grateful to have such wonderful friends and family. Thank you!