{matilda}

While back in England last month, I came face to face with twenty-something years of my stored stuff. A little trip down Sentimental Lane, yes, but knowing that whatever I saved, I'd have to carry in my suitcase and drag half way around the world, I was ruthless. Goodbye, ugly Beanie Babies (yes, you, Millennium bear, you purple monster). So long, high-school yearbooks, and all your teenage stress. Farewell, and sorry, plastic animals that I chewed legs off of.

But one thing that definitely made the suitcase, packed safely beneath two hundred Duplo blocks and three dozen slightly mangy Sylvanian Families, was a book. My favourite book. A book I've read at least twenty times, often in a single sitting. A book I was given just before my seventh birthday, (ta, Jenni) and which has proved to be rather important in our lives...

Matilda. This is what our Matilda, our fifteen-month-old Tilly-Bear, is named after. I loved the idea of infusing her with a bit of magic. Yes, we might have long afternoons of sitting on the bed trying to move pencils with our eyes, but who knows, perhaps she'll be able to.

And can you believe, it wasn't until two years ago, when I was telling my grandma about my favourite names for girls, that she mentioned her mother, my great-grandmother, was also called Matilda? Cha-ching, bonus family connection! It was meant to be.

Reading the book again, I'm finding lines that are full of the brilliance of Matilda. Wouldn't that be a lovely reminder of her namesake -- a quote from the book, displayed somehow in her room. It's not all boastful parenty if Roald Dahl said it, right? And, perhaps, a bonus photo of her great-great grandmother on the wall too, just for total Matildination.

What I Know Now: Sixteen Weeks

What is a problem once won't be a problem forever. Tilly used to cry when she was digesting food, and I wondered how I could possibly solve that. Then she just got over it.

What works once won't work forever. We've tried so many things to get Tilly to sleep. At one point, when she was about five weeks old, we were doing it all at once: we would put on her Fisher Price water noises, turn on a fan, swaddle her, rock her, put her down in her Moses basket with a clock hung on the side, a watch under her back, her sheepskin propped up at the edges, and a drop of lavender oil on her blanket. Then, when her eyes inevitably opened, we would pick up the basket and swing her (sideways, not back and forth), then oh-so-gradually put the basket down in her crib. Slowly, we realised that all those things weren't really necessary. And our backs couldn't take any more basket-swinging.

Some babies really don't like to be rocked to sleep. Some babies scream even louder when you try to rock them to sleep.

No matter how hard they are to get to sleep, it's always so lovely to see them wake up again.

Pacifiers don't solve everything.

For us, the Baby Bjorn does solve everything. For about an hour or so.

Some babies are born with a decent amount of hair and then seem to get balder.

People at Walmart will touch your baby. Even if she is in a front-carrier.

People will talk to your baby even if they don't speak English. (And, by the way, Tilly seems to understand Japanese just as well as she understands English)

People will say "Who's this little guy?" if you dress your daughter in anything other than pink. Pale green with flowers apparently equals 'boy' these days.

Babies don't care at all about toys. Tilly has yet to grab for anything other than my hair or the cloth I'm trying to wipe her mouth with.

Tilly's eyebrows turn bright red when she gets tired. Nothing else... not the eyes, just the eyebrows.

Tilly's ears turn bright red on occasion. So do Justin's. What funny things we inherit.

Time goes slower in Tilly's room. Once, we were baking cookies, when Tilly woke up and started to cry. Justin went to put her back to sleep, and returned assuming the cookies were ready and I'd eaten mine. They were still in the oven, only half way done.

Babies surprise you. Though normally, Tilly would cry all through a trip to the pediatrician (five minutes from our house), when we took her to Temple (an hour and a half away) she did really well.

Babies will sleep through doorbells and vacuums and weed whackers outside their windows, but wake up the instant you try to watch a movie.

Sometimes, just the way they stand (Tilly leans slightly forward, butt out, staring at something) can make you laugh with delight.

There does come a day when it is possible to leave the house. Even to go out twice.

Three Months

Tilly, our little mountain climber, seems to be less interested in moving laterally than in moving vertically. She wants to go upwards, always; whether she's practicing crawling or walking, she enjoys it much more at a 45 degree angle. She wants to go over things, she likes a challenge.

Tilly, our little explorer, wants to see where she's going. Our front carrier, which had previously been an excellent way to upset her, is just about her favourite thing now that she can face forwards. She now enjoys romantic walks at sunset, going to the supermarket, and watching clothes being put in the washing machine.

Tilly, our little bear, loves her pyjamas. Thank goodness for the new autumn chill. Every time we see her lounging in her pjs, we can't wait for Christmas morning. Especially after a friend passed down some reindeer-print jammies!

Tilly, our little three-month-old, is always in a state of change. Every few days, recently, there is something new. In the last few weeks, she's learnt to babble and hold a conversation of noises. She's learnt to stick her fist in her mouth. She's started laughing -- a simple "hehhhh!" at first, and now, sometimes, more of a "hehh hehh!" She's started to notice her toys... Mr. Plastic Singing Froggie and Mr. Duckie Rattle in particular. She's slept properly, wonderfully, through the night three times in a row and counting.

A Cotton-Pickin' Minute

I'm not a big fan of roses, so the idea of stopping to smell them has never meant much to me. But I've now got a phrase to replace it: taking the time to stop and pick the cotton.

As we drove to San Antonio last weekend, taking Tilly on her longest-yet car ride, there were points when I wondered if we were crazy to drive for a total of seven hours, only to be there less than twenty-four. It's easy to stick to doing what is easy... that is, to stay at home and merely survive, hour by hour, nap by nap. But then, when would we ever see the wonderful things the outside world has to offer, like fields of cotton in bloom?

Now perhaps it's because I've never learnt much about American history, only American literature, but I have to admit, I sort of half-thought cotton plants were fictional. And the popcorn/fluffy cloud/marshmallow-like appearance of the cotton only added to that, making it totally surreal. In fact, the only way I could truly "believe" in the cotton fields was to have Justin pull over the car so I could run down the bank and pick a little piece off to feel it. (It's soft, just like a cotton ball you buy, but with quite big, black seeds in the centre)

And so, even though it made our journey five minutes longer, and Tilly five minutes more grumpy by the time we got there, I wouldn't have missed that moment of wow-I'm-really-living-in-Texas-now for anything!

Zip It

In honour of Tilly's being six weeks old yesterday, I thought it was about time to fire up the old Mean Green Sewing Machine and make a Russian doll cushion cover for the rocking chair in Tilly's room.

Now, when I say "make", what I really mean is sew together the front and back pieces that my lovely Mum had patchworked, and add a zip. Well, and work out how to add a zip... A nice easy project to get me going again, with very fast results! Only one of the three cushions got finished yesterday, but all in the space of time between Tilly eating and Tilly taking a nap. I felt a bit like I was on a game-show, doing a speed sewing challenge!

I just love how Tilly looks like the Russian doll, with her round face, wide eyes, and pursed lips!

It turns out, though, that Tilly might have to wait a while to have the cushion in her room... as soon as it was done, Justin claimed it, and took it off to the sofa for a nap!

Mum's the Word

I've made my peace with the fact that Tilly will most likely not share my accent. She'll eat "fries" instead of "chips", "chips" instead of "crisps", and will probably learn about presidents instead of kings and queens.

But, I'm not prepared to give up on being a Mum. My heart just swelled every time I saw Tilly in this little outfit today, and even though it was one of those days where she cried and cried, this helped to remind me that there's a lot of love there, too.

Red Red Completely Red, Junior.

Though Tilly looks beautiful in pink, I have to say, I like her in little red hearts the best.

Welcome, Matilda!

And just when we were starting to think it would never happen...

...Matilda arrived in this world.

Labour started on Tuesday morning, when I woke up with very noticable contractions. At 3.15am, I started counting them, and by 4.15am, I woke Justin up and told him that this was it. We laboured at home, doing all of our relaxation exercises, watching half an episode of Friends, and taking a lovely hot shower, until I started to tell Justin that I didn't think I could do it anymore, (our "self-doubt" phase, for any other Bradley Method lovers!) and we headed to the hospital about 11am.

I was admitted at 8cm dilated, and by about 2.50pm, I was all the way dilated, at +1 station, and ready to push. So, we pushed. And pushed and pushed and pushed. We pushed forwards, backwards, kneeling, lying... every which way you can imagine.

I pushed for two and a half hours, and then the doctor checked how far Matilda had come. She was at +2 station... in other words, not very far at all. My contractions were dying down... becoming less frequent and less strong. It seemed like our plan for a natural birth was slipping away as the doctor said we needed to try some Pitocin, and an epidural, or else a C-section would be likely. It seemed like such a waste... we'd come so far without pain killers or drugs. Justin was a wonderful advocate, and argued for as little intervention as possible... which I definitely couldn't have done by myself at that point!

We finally agreed to take the lowest dose of Pitocin, but no epidural, and within about 10 minutes, I was having the most intense and painful contractions. I screamed through two of them that I simply couldn't do it, but then on the third, I pulled myself together enough to push. It was difficult, and long, but I was so lucky to have Justin there with me... he counted through each push, and encouraged me, and held my leg for hours and hours!

Tilly arrived at 7.23pm, after 17 hours of labour, and 4 and a half hours of pushing. It turned out she was facing upwards, which was why it had been such hard going, and a very big baby at 9.1 lbs and 21 inches long! When she arrived, the doctor put her straight on my chest, just as I'd asked, and immediately everything else was forgotten... it was just an amazing moment to meet her. We were so incredibly happy! And just like everybody says, it doesn't matter how it happens as long as your baby is healthy, but I was so grateful that I was given the strength to get through it without an epidural and have such wonderful, alert first moments with my little girl.

She's so peaceful and calm, and just loves to be swaddled and cuddled. And right below, Matilda is wearing a little gown that my Mum made for me to wear as a newborn! Tilly came home in it on Thursday, just in time to welcome my family who've flown in to be with us, and Justin's family who drove up from San Antonio.

We are so enjoying welcoming her into the world, and teaching her to eat and sleep. Justin is just a wonderful father, and Tilly loves it when he holds her and kisses her head! They're asleep on the sofa together now... it's so sweet!

And this next one is today: Matilda Alice with my dear little sister, Alice, from whom she gets her middle name.

Thank you all so much for the messages and notes and words of love! It means so much to us that you're thinking of us, and we're so grateful to have such wonderful friends and family. Thank you!

Today Is...

* one day before my official due date

* exactly four weeks since the doctor told us Tilly would be coming any day now

* the day I've discovered that my tiny spandex yoga shorts still fit me, and are the most comfortable thing

* probably the day I'll give up on any pretense of lady-like decency and wear tiny spandex yoga shorts to the doctor's office

All We Are Wondering

Another weekend has almost passed

and all we are wondering

is whether Father's Day will be the day

that Justin becomes a father.

-----

P.S.

In Texas, there are trees

eight or nine feet tall

that look like enormous flowers.

Everywhere.

It's beautiful.

Gemma Correll

An ordinary day, an ordinary trip to the postbox, an ordinary-looking brown paper envelope. But, inside that envelope is something special.

It's a piece by one of my favourite artists, the Norwich-based Gemma Correll, whose drawings of her diary entries I stumbled across about a year ago. I've always wanted to order a print from her, but have never been able to pick from all of her lovely designs!

But here, in paper and ink in front of me, is not just a print of her work, but a personalised original, dedicated to our little Matilda:

I'm a bit in shock. It's so beautiful, and such a thoughtful thoughtful present from my lovely brother, Jesper, and his lovely girlfriend, Gemma, who know how much I love this artist. I can't wait to hang it in the nursery... I'm just trying to decide which wall will do it justice!

39 Weeks

Some days feel quite clouded over by

sore feet

sore legs

and uncontrollable grumpiness

but we try to remember that the clouds are parting

slowly, each day

and the bright life of Tilly

will soon come shining through.

Little Boots

I can't wait to see what sort of mixture

of Texan and British

Tilly turns out to be.

I have to confess

I'd love for her to speak with an English accent

while stomping around

of course

in her cowboy boots.

Bunting

You might remember, I was very inspired by beautiful bunting hung in nurseries. It's a lovely way of adding colour and patterns.

You might also remember Justin's reaction to the idea: "But it reminds me of used-car dealers!"

With another day at home, and a little more energy than usual, I couldn't resist giving it a try. And though fabric flags look lovely and hang beautifully, my lack of pinking shears plus my lack of motivation to hem edges led me to use some brightly patterned scrapbook paper, instead! I simply took squares of 12" by 12" paper, and cut diagonally down from each top corner to the centre of the bottom edge to make the triangular flag shape.

The letters of her name are cut from plain brown paper, and glued on. Then, little holes are punched out along the tops of the flags, and a piece of long string threaded through. (I taped the string to the back of the flags to prevent them all sliding together).

Oh, and Justin approves. "It's nothing like a car lot," he assured me. High praise, indeed!

We thought Tilly might be on her way last night, with an hour or two of stronger contractions, but I guess it was just a bit of practice! And though we're so eager to meet her, we did enjoy a nice full night's sleep last night instead, which seems like more and more of a blessing each day!

Happy Easter!

Yes, the Easter bunny has been very kind to me this year.

All the mini Creme Eggs I can eat.

We can't wait to have a little girl to hide them for next year!

Here Comes the Circus

For a while now, friends and family have been asking me over and over again, "What theme are you going to have for your nursery?" And for a long time, I had no answer.

I mean, I love colour. People had suggested I just pick a colour, and make that my theme. But how to pick? I love red, of course, but don't think that has quite the calming vibe a nursery needs as the only colour. I love yellow, I love pink, I love orange, I love turquoise. I love them alone, I love them all together!

Plus, I want to have lots of animals around. Where does that fit in to a colour theme? I was really actually starting to hate the word 'theme', and beginning to empathise with all the students working on literature essays I see, who ask, "What even is a theme?"

But then it hit me. A way to tie it all together. The circus!

Circuses have colour. Lots of colour! All the colours I like, with none of the pastelly sage-greens and lavenders that give me the creeps a bit. Circuses have bunting. Circuses have animals by the dozen!

So, I think I've got it figured out. All the design websites tell expectant mothers to have one item that really captures what they want in the room, and proceed to match everyone else to that. I feel like for me, that item is this Alexander Henry fabric (above), spotted on etsy.

Tilly will be a Tiger, after all!

Photo sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

Fabrics for Tilly

Little Matilda finally has some clothes waiting for her! In the post the other day, I found two beautiful nighties and two baby cardigans, all of which my Mum made for me when I was first born. They are so lovely, and so special.

And here's a photo of me in the same nightie, a quarter of a century earlier: (click me!)

Mum also sent some photos of fabrics she's got lined up to make into more nighties, among other things, for Tilly. I can't wait to see what becomes of them!

Luckily, we seem to have just the same taste in fabrics: bright colours and bold patterns, but also sweet girly pinks and rose prints.

What a lucky baby! I'm off to the doctor today for my check-up, so hopefully we'll see that she's still doing well.